Ben

i first met Ben four years ago at a mutual friend's house party. at the time, i had a boyfriend... but i did remember that Ben stood out to me and that i felt a connection with him. after the party, we added each other to facebook and i saw him at said friend's parties over the years. he even invited me to his bday party last year, but i couldn't go.

well, a few weeks ago our (very gay) friend had his birthday party and Ben was there. we didn't really get to chat much at the party, but we stood beside each other for most of the night. at the end of the night, the troops headed out to the gay bar and it wasn't until i got there that i noticed Ben must have gone home. i decided to send him a facebook message saying that i was sorry i didn't get to say good-bye to him (or talk to him at all, for that matter!) and hoped he had fun at the party. he responded rather quickly and said that we should catch up sometime. i agreed. he suggested wed night but i had a busy week, so we postponed our meet up by a week and aimed for a fri night.

i'm going to be honest... while i didn't think Ben was gay (and had been told by our mutual friend that he is straight), i couldn't help but wonder what straight man hangs out with so many gay men and watches Rupaul's Drag Race. was this a red flag? is he just very comfortable with his sexuality? as i've said before, it's important that the person i date be ok with the gays because they are such a huge part of my life and i love them dearly!

the day of our date (or is it a meet up?), i still had no idea what we would be doing or a time/location (this seems to be a theme among dudes). finally, Ben texted me in the afternoon and suggested a time/location at a pub, and then also suggested hitting up Timekode/DJ night at Winterlude. i liked that he was taking charge! he texted me again later to say that he was free to meet up earlier if i wanted, but i was just heading home from the gym after a training course so wasn't sure if i could make it in time. funny, i then bumped into Ben on my walk home and said i had just texted him. i also wanted to find out if he would be eating dinner at the pub or not (he said yes). that eliminated some time for me in getting ready. now what to wear to a pub-slash-outdoor event?! layers.

we met up at the pub and in a lot of ways, it was really nice to not feel nervous about wondering what he's going to look like, etc. the conversation flowed quite easily. i discovered that he works for PCO, originates from Calgary, but went to school in Vancouver and then moved to Ottawa for the job. his mom/sister still live in Calgary, but his brother is in Vancouver. no mention of his Dad... i also still don't know how old Ben is, but assuming/hoping he's in his 30s! he rents an apt on his own near where i live . he is also quite active in jiu jitsu so he talked about that in length.. to the point where i had flashbacks to Lukas discussing golf (who I forgot to blog about, oops), but fortunately, Ben caught himself and opted to talk about something "more interesting". i did feel like Ben didn't really ask me much about myself, but i started to get the impression that maybe he was a little bit nervous. we ordered burgers and salad and had a few beers and then decided it was best to head to Winterlude. the moment of truth! the bill arrived and he did not offer to pay :(

it was really fun checking out the ice sculptures at Winterlude. and the DJ event was neat too! great music. Ottawa can be kind of pathetic sometimes though... the crowd was very small. Ben started dancing which was funny... i felt like i needed many more drinks before i could feel comfortable dancing in front of a (small) crowd, but i did it. the event was short-lived. i think we were there for a good 20 minutes and then it shut down promptly at 10pm (lame!). Ben went in for the kiss and held my hand as we walked to a pub on Elgin for one last drink (again, he did not pay!). there was an awkward moment in the pub when a girl came over to Ben to "say hi". the look on his face said it all - definitely his ex gf, and she was sitting two tables over from us. things got a bit awkward after that; i felt like he got quiet. apparently they split about 8 months ago and were together for over a year. in any case, i'm sure it would be awkward for me too if my ex was within earshot of my date. we hopped in a cab (he paid!) and called it a night.

i had a lot of fun on the date, it felt comfortable and easy and there is chemistry between us. we'll see where it goes/if i hear from him again. we did briefly talk about maybe going skating on sunday as well as attending a beer festival next weekend.

Scott

Scott and I had only been chatting briefly before one of us suggested meeting up. That's the way I like to roll... why drag out a text messaging relationship if you have zero chemistry when you meet up in person?

I didn't know much about Scott before meeting up with him except that he's 2 years older than me, works for a family-run insurance company (he's a partner in the company), owns a townhouse in Barrhaven and is originally from Ottawa. He also seems to love playing hockey with his buddies.

We met up at the Clocktower. I had asked if he would be willing to come out my way, since I am without a vehicle and he said that wasn't a problem. He also scored huge brownie points by asking me if he could pick me up. I politely declined, but expressed how great it was that he had asked! Chivalry is not dead (maybe). Oddly enough, Scott said that this was his fourth date at the Clocktower ha ha. Apparently it's a big hit with the ladies. What a coincidence. He must be so sick of that place!

Scott is cute and we had a good time chatting over a few beers and shared some chips and dip. He seems like a very positive person who loves to laugh a lot, which is important. Scott must be the youngest looking 38 year old I've ever seen... I would never guess that he is 38! He's also a bit on the short side... well, his profile says he's 5'11. I am trying to overlook height in case I'm missing out on a great guy. Still, I couldn't help but wish he was just a little bit taller...

Things I discovered about Scott on our date:
- his parents split when he was around 8. His mom remarried twice after that, moved to Toronto, and is now back in Stittsville. He has tons of step-siblings, but is closest to his biological brother. He is also much closer to his Dad.
- he was trying not to watch the Habs play last night, although I did catch him peeking at the score a few times (but not enough that it was distracting or rude).
- he grew up out near the airport and went to both Brookfield and Merivale high school. He then went on to Algonquin College (I can't remember what he took there...), but then wound up in the family business.
- he drinks Coors Light, which I made fun of. Not that a guy has to be super into craft beer, but it would be nice...
- like me, most of his friends are married. He did say that he has one 'wingman' left.
- he thanked me for looking like my photos. Apparently he had been on a date with a woman who was double in size compared to her photos. He even added her on Facebook before meeting up and all of her photos on Facebook had been doctored as well! Who does that?!
- he has two gay uncles on his mom's side of the family. As silly as it may seem, I need to be with someone who is ok with my gaggle of gay men that are some of my closest friends.

After a few hours, he got the bill and we parted ways. I went in for a hug, and I think he wanted a kiss, so we did the awkward first date dance and he ended up kissing my cheek. Maybe next time, buddy! I do think there will be another date. I asked him what he was up to this weekend (out of curiosity) and he said he was going to have friends over to his place to watch UFC on Saturday but suggested we do dinner beforehand. I explained that I will be at a beer festival and then he seemed interested in learning more about the festival and said he's not tied to UFC...

When I got home, he said that he should have offered me a ride home (yes, you should have). The thought was nice. At least it's on his radar, unlike some dudes! I can't believe how many guys just don't care if a single woman makes it home safely walking home late at night.

***

SCOTT (UPDATE): Never heard from him again.

MIKE (UPDATE): Mike did make a return after I had carefully avoided many text messages from him. I caved. We had plans to meet up and then he bailed (AGAIN). What's the saying? Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me. Exactly. I told him to lose my number. This time for good!

ROBERT (UPDATE): Not much to update here. I occasionally hear from him, but he seems to be going through a rough time sorting out his next big job. While I can appreciate that, it is frustrating that he put himself out there as being ready to date. In this case, I think it's just an issue of poor timing. That being said, I do really like him... but won't be waiting around for him to get his stuff together (been there, done that).

Jean

Jean contacted me on pof. He didn't have a photo up, but sent me a few photos of himself. He was cute, I thought! We messaged back and forth quite a bit before moving over to text messaging each other. He is the same age as me, 6'2", moved to Ottawa about 12 years ago and has an interesting background. Both of his parents are from France, he was born in Australia but grew up in South Africa. So of course his accent was immediately charming :) We seemed to have quite a bit in common.. in fact, we discovered that we both work in the same building! Only three floors apart. He also knew a few of my coworkers, so I confronted one of them to ask for the 411 on this guy. She had nothing but nice things to say about him. That made me feel better. I liked that Jean was very family oriented and desperately wanted kids himself. In fact, he primarily dated single mothers in the past.

We met up on Saturday at a pub for drinks, but it was packed due to the football game. We decided to move to a different pub just down the street. The conversation flowed quite nicely. Somehow we got on the topic of karaoke and he said "oh, we should go!". I didn't think he meant THAT NIGHT, but he did. It was very spontaneous and fun. I liked that he was up for anything. Jean drove me home and gave me a kiss good-night. This guy seems amazing, I thought! Too good to be true?

Apparently! The next day he texted me to say that he had a great time with me, shared lots of laughs, and would like to see me again. One day later, he texted to say that he just didn't feel a spark with me and hoped we could remain friends. WTF?! Dating in general can be super frustrating and make you re-think ever getting excited about a decent prospect. I couldn't let it go. I responded saying that I was a bit surprised, given that just the other day he had said he wanted to see me again. I mean, really, what happened in the span of one day that made him change his mind? Better to have found out sooner rather than later, I suppose.

In any case, I have never been good at dating more than one person at a time, so I will focus on Robert for now.

Hopefully there won't be too many awkward run-ins at work!

Robert

I met Robert through Tinder, an app that typically is known for hooking up. Surprisingly, most of the dudes I've been chatting with on Tinder are looking for something real. Robert even said he's looking for a life partner, so that was refreshing to hear. We instantly had 'text chemistry', I guess you could say...which always worries me when you actually meet up with the person. What if he's good on paper but the chemistry doesn't translate face-to-face?

Robert is one year younger than me and is a media/communications guy who works for a not-for-profit organization. I like that he has many different interests... anything from book club to snowboarding to being a bit of a foodie like me. He has an adorable dog that he rescued. My first impression of him is that he is a sweet, sensitive type of guy. He was in a three year relationship and then an eight year relationship prior to that.

We met up at a brew pub for drinks and when I arrived, Robert was already there. I immediately felt very comfortable with him, almost like I knew him. He looked much cuter in person than in his photos. I think the more dates I've been going on, the easier and less nervous I feel. We chatted for several hours about our lives, including exes and complicated family history. Things that I'm not sure you would normally talk about so openly on a first date, but it felt ok. After Robert paid for the bill, we walked home together. Turns out, we live in the same neighbourhood!

We have texted back and forth quite a bit during the week. We both had a busy few days and then he was out of town in Montreal on the weekend. The plan is to meet up tonight. I am really looking forward to seeing him again! I definitely felt a connection. Hopefully the feeling is mutual.

i'm back...also, Mike.

Well, I'm back. After a 3.5 year relationship, I decided to call it quits. I will spare you the details as they are personal, but the important (but scary) news is that I'm single and back on the market! My relationship felt over before it was really done, so I felt remarkably ready to tackle the online dating world shortly post breakup. To some, maybe it was too soon. It felt strange to create profiles again and select pictures... and then see some familiar faces. After a few exchanges here and there, I was bummed that there were no real prospects. And then Mike contacted me...

MIKE
He didn't have a photo on his profile, but shared two pics with me. Granted, they were awkward guy bathroom selfies, but I got the idea. After reading his profile, my first thoughts were - this guy is a catch! I'd better snatch him up before anyone else. Mike had contacted me saying that he was busy reading my profile while cooking dinner and as a result, had burned it. I owed him a meal. I thought that was cute, and got the ball rolling for quick conversation back and forth. He then gave me his cell phone number which turned into several daily text messages. Every time I looked at my phone, it seemed that I had some sort of contact with Mike (not in a bad way). This is exciting!

We decided to meet up at the Pump for a drink. I don't think I've EVER been so nervous for a date. EVER. I think I had just been out of the game for 4 years and had blocked out how to date. When we met, Mike was much cuter in person than his photos which is always a nice surprise. M is 35, tall, cute, an engineer with a masters degree, owns a house, originally from Ottawa (very rare to find)/close with family and funny. I had this in the bag. Our first date was good, but short, and I walked away unsure of how it went. When I texted him, he said that I was hard to read and that he wasn't sure if I was into him or not. I was!

In the beginning, Mike would often joke when I said I was meeting up with friends that I was going on a date with someone else. It kind of bugged me, this insecurity. Truthfully, I would have, if there had been other prospects (although I'm terrible at dating more than one person at a time)... but after a few dates, M had my full attention. It's funny: M questioned whether or not I was into him and then the roles kind of flipped and I was left wondering the same about him. His texts slowly started to drop off... he was busy, he would tell me. True, it is xmastime, but I'm sorry, if you are REALLY into someone, no matter how 'busy' you are, you make time for that person. It literally takes one second to send a quick text message to let the other person know that you haven't forgotten about them. Maybe that should have been a red flag... I also felt like I was putting in more effort to get together, so it was nice by the third or fourth date that M asked when he could see me next. Whenever we were together, it was great. I really enjoyed his company and felt like I had his undivided attention. It's when we weren't together that he would just disappear... and by date three, Mike would just come over to my place. He never seemed interested in going out anywhere or doing something active (I'm realizing this is very important to me).

Most recently, I asked if he wanted to get together on Sunday and he asked what time (I took this to mean that he would have some free time to get together). I then suggested that I come to him (you can learn a lot about someone by seeing where they live) and I could tell he was NOT into the idea. He said it was too far for me (Hull) and that there is just nothing to do there (no cable). Suspicious, right? Like what is he hiding over there. But, I decided to just forget about it for now and not let it bother me even though it was super weird. By Sunday, I was left unsure of whether or not we were actually getting together (this happened a lot), so I texted him in the afternoon to find out and said that if we weren't, I would go ahead and make other plans. As a planner, it was killing me. And that's when Mike ghosted. Just disappeared. Who does that? What grown man doesn't at least have the decency to say that he's not feeling it or that he's met someone else? Mike, that's who.

Clearly I dodged a bullet, but I was bummed because I got all excited after five dates with Mike that perhaps this could lead to something promising. And as a woman, you are always left thinking 'What did I do wrong?', which is so brutal. I've decided to just enjoy my xmas vacation and focus on myself for the next few weeks. I forgot how exhausting online dating is... and how much weeding you have to do!

Happy Holidays!
j.

Some of the reasons I have rejected potential matches on Tinder

[ ] All pictures are of identical twins
[ ] Looks high all the time
[ ] Looks short
[ ] Profile pic is wedding pic and potential match is the groom
[ ] Child in picture ambiguously
[ ] All pictures taken beside or on motorcycles
[ ] Briefly had to question whether you or your dad was the one looking to meet people
[ ] Description says "I'm actually 19"
[ ] Married person looking for fun
[ ] Married person who is looking for someone"couple friendly"
[ ] Description says "first round draft pick" but looks either 48 or 16
[ ] Too many pictures with tigers
[ ] Too much duckface

So, this is a thing now

Fml.