i've never broken up with anyone before. normally, i'm the dumpee. this was a first for me and i don't think i realized how hard it would be. i was stressed all week thinking about what i would say when Dave came over. a friend of mine told me that it would just come naturally, and it did. i let him know that i had given it a lot of thought, and i really didn't think he was ready to be dating. recently, we had had a conversation and agreed that we were dating each other exclusively. i never felt involved in his life (e.g., not once did he invite me to meet any of his friends) and i had to be the one to put in all of the effort when it came to setting up our dates. i was starting to feel as though 1) i was in it alone and 2) that this was a lot of work. and i wasn't happy. in fact, i was getting more and more frustrated... i had to tell him twice that i needed to hear from him more often. i've never had to do that before (and i shouldn't have to). no matter what Dave might have been going through in his life (a lot of downs), i still think that if he was truly interested in me, he would have shown it somehow. i was proud of myself for telling him everything i was feeling over the past few months - i just wish i could have done it without crying! i was obviously disappointed that things didn't work out, but i was also upset because i knew that i wouldn't be seeing him again.
after spending 3.5 hours of talking, cuddling and talking some more, he got up to say goodbye. i gave him a hug and he started crying, which really surprised me. y'know, not just teary-eyed, but full on crying. he said he was going to miss me, which was nice to hear because i honestly thought he wouldn't be that upset. he agreed with everything i was saying, and i think in a lot of ways felt relieved. i know that he blames himself. he told me that he doesn't want to be alone, that it was nice having someone around, but that he doesn't know what's wrong with him - why doesn't he want to be in a serious relationship? i told him not to be so hard on himself. he'll know when it's time.
in no way was the breakup his fault - he was upfront and honest with me from the beginning about not being ready. i took a chance (which i don't regret) and it didn't work out. were there red flags? absolutely. does it make me sad? yes. but, it didn't feel right and i knew that i had to end it because we weren't on the same page at all.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Clean Slate: Dave
a lot has happened with Dave since my last entry... he waited a good three weeks before following up with our mutual friend explaining how he felt badly about the way he had handled things with me, chalked it up to bad timing and regretted not giving it a second chance. after some careful consideration, i decided to give it one last shot and send D a message (really, what did i have to lose?). i told him that i understand that he's not "ready to date" at the moment, but it's not every day that i feel such a good connection with someone of the opposite sex and that i was disappointed when it didn't work out for us. we have since talked quite openly about our lil sitch, and he admits that we are looking for the same thing (i.e., dates vs. the elusive "hangouts"). i like how easy he is to talk to.
we have since gone on two really long, fantastic dates before i headed up to my cottage for a two week summer vacation. i casually suggested that he come visit me at the cottage, to which he replied "buuuut aren't your parents up there with you?". yep, they sure were. he obviously warmed up to the idea because he drove up, met my parents, and stayed over for 2 nights. can you say change of heart? we had a fabulous time and i think in some ways it was a test to see how we would fare in each other's company for 48 hrs. success! this past weekend he joined me at a friend's bday party and met some of my friends which was nice too.
i still feel like it's complicated and cryptic at times, but i'm trying to have a new attitude when it comes to Dave AND dating in general. take it slow, keep it casual, and turn down the crazy. here's hoping!
we have since gone on two really long, fantastic dates before i headed up to my cottage for a two week summer vacation. i casually suggested that he come visit me at the cottage, to which he replied "buuuut aren't your parents up there with you?". yep, they sure were. he obviously warmed up to the idea because he drove up, met my parents, and stayed over for 2 nights. can you say change of heart? we had a fabulous time and i think in some ways it was a test to see how we would fare in each other's company for 48 hrs. success! this past weekend he joined me at a friend's bday party and met some of my friends which was nice too.
i still feel like it's complicated and cryptic at times, but i'm trying to have a new attitude when it comes to Dave AND dating in general. take it slow, keep it casual, and turn down the crazy. here's hoping!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Out of the Blue
I randomly heard from Jon this week by email. He asked me how my summer was going so far and if I had fun at the volleyball tournament over the weekend (creepy, I don't remember telling him I was going to that!). Some questions: Is this guy for real? He ditches me, stops all communication and then follows up for some small talk? Did his gf just dump him? Did he realize he had made a huge mistake? My curiosity got the better of me. I asked him if he just woke up from a really, really long coma. After a few cryptic responses from him, I flat out asked him what he wanted. He said he just wanted to say "hi". I didn't respond back - I thought that might send the best message of all, although he does seem pretty clueless.
Why is it that as soon as you've written someone off, they find a way to pop back into your life?
Why is it that as soon as you've written someone off, they find a way to pop back into your life?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Cruel Intentions: Dave
two days after our last date, i decided to give Dave a call. after a bit of phone tag, we finally connected and chatted briefly. and that was the last i've heard from him! it's now been over a week since our last date. i guess sometimes a bit of game play is involved, as i refuse to be the one to contact him yet again. i figure if he was genuinely interested in me, he would make more of an effort. it's just so confusing because when we were on our dates, especially the last one, i felt like he was really into me. so what went wrong? i just wish that dudes could at the very least be consistent.
i explained this situation to a group of ladies up at a girls cottage weekend recently. one of them had a good point. if the guy doesn't meet your "deadline" of when YOU think he should call you, move on. for example, one cottager explained that she would totally be fine with Dave following up a week later. a week later, really!? not me. i'm totally not a high maintenance kind of chick, but how hard is it to touch base every few days? it takes two seconds to send a text message or shoot off a quick email (or hell, pick up the phone!), even in the busiest of times. i won't budge on that one. and that's exactly what she was saying, don't budge. good advice, i thought.
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later....
sometimes i don't always listen to good advice. it felt like every minute that passed, i grew angrier and angrier. i needed some closure, if nothing else. i decided to text dave. he responded with "what's up?", so i bit the bullet and laid it all down. i told him that i liked him and was having fun getting to know him better and wondered if the feeling was mutual. what came next surprised me. he claims that he messaged me on Canada Day, as well as sending other messages (not sure if on the same day). i explained that i never received any messages from him and that it sounded like a misunderstanding (here we were, both thinking the other person was extremely douchey for not following up!). he said that he always had a fun and great time when we hung out, but that when he didn't hear back from me, he kind of assumed the worst and was really bummed out and it made him realize that maybe he's not yet ready to date again. huh?! was he really just going out like that? what do you say to that? also, did i or did i not call it on date #1 when i felt as though he was enjoying being single? again, i just explained that it's unfortunate that there was a misunderstanding... he responded again explaining how he really liked me, but that if we continued to see each other, it would probably get serious and he can't do that. message loud and clear. better to find out now, than later on down the road.
this was a new one for me. hey, i'm super into you and really enjoy spending time with you... buuuuut i'm afraid it's going to get serious and oh, ps- sorry for making out with you and sending you all kinds of crazy mixed messages, but i don't think i'm ready to date. a big part of me is suspicious of those "text messages" he apparently sent me. it was almost as if he was turning it around on me: well, you didn't respond and left me hanging so i kind of moved on. THIS is the exact problem with text messaging in the dating world. can someone work on that, pleeease?
i decided to have a facebook deleting party-of-one and blare Lady Gaga's "Monster" and call it a night.
i explained this situation to a group of ladies up at a girls cottage weekend recently. one of them had a good point. if the guy doesn't meet your "deadline" of when YOU think he should call you, move on. for example, one cottager explained that she would totally be fine with Dave following up a week later. a week later, really!? not me. i'm totally not a high maintenance kind of chick, but how hard is it to touch base every few days? it takes two seconds to send a text message or shoot off a quick email (or hell, pick up the phone!), even in the busiest of times. i won't budge on that one. and that's exactly what she was saying, don't budge. good advice, i thought.
------------
later....
sometimes i don't always listen to good advice. it felt like every minute that passed, i grew angrier and angrier. i needed some closure, if nothing else. i decided to text dave. he responded with "what's up?", so i bit the bullet and laid it all down. i told him that i liked him and was having fun getting to know him better and wondered if the feeling was mutual. what came next surprised me. he claims that he messaged me on Canada Day, as well as sending other messages (not sure if on the same day). i explained that i never received any messages from him and that it sounded like a misunderstanding (here we were, both thinking the other person was extremely douchey for not following up!). he said that he always had a fun and great time when we hung out, but that when he didn't hear back from me, he kind of assumed the worst and was really bummed out and it made him realize that maybe he's not yet ready to date again. huh?! was he really just going out like that? what do you say to that? also, did i or did i not call it on date #1 when i felt as though he was enjoying being single? again, i just explained that it's unfortunate that there was a misunderstanding... he responded again explaining how he really liked me, but that if we continued to see each other, it would probably get serious and he can't do that. message loud and clear. better to find out now, than later on down the road.
this was a new one for me. hey, i'm super into you and really enjoy spending time with you... buuuuut i'm afraid it's going to get serious and oh, ps- sorry for making out with you and sending you all kinds of crazy mixed messages, but i don't think i'm ready to date. a big part of me is suspicious of those "text messages" he apparently sent me. it was almost as if he was turning it around on me: well, you didn't respond and left me hanging so i kind of moved on. THIS is the exact problem with text messaging in the dating world. can someone work on that, pleeease?
i decided to have a facebook deleting party-of-one and blare Lady Gaga's "Monster" and call it a night.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Round 2: Dave
sooo after waiting 3 days (ugh, stupid rule), Dave ended up contacting me. i told him that i was just thinking we should probably set up another rendez-vous, and he seemed to like the idea. i suggested we meet up for a dinner date.
he ended up parking his car at my place and then coming up for a quick drink before heading out. as i swung open my front door to greet Dave, he was sitting on my stoop in rayban shades, a denim shirt, shorts and flip flops. somehow he can pull off the cool nerd look. we chatted and made fun of my book collection together (note to self: hide "the hookup handbook" the next time you have a dude over) and then head out to chinatown. we ended up going to a restaurant i had never tried before called yangtze. we shared the szechuan beef and curry noodles (yum!).
the conversation was good. somehow we got on the topic of dating, so we swapped some bad date stories. i don't know why, but i love hearing about horror date stories.. maybe it somehow makes me feel better about my own. i like that Dave is funny, but can be serious at times too.
once we had finished eating, our waiter immediately (almost as if on command) came over and gave us our bill (he paid). i told Dave that i wouldn't mind grabbing another drink somewhere, so we went for a nice long walk to the James St. pub patio. thankfully, the thunderstorm held off!
a lot can be said for body language. Dave pulled up a chair right beside me and was turned facing me the whole time. it was nice because i felt like i had his undivided attention, even though the patio was packed and loaded with TVs. i think i even felt our legs touch! ha. i am definitely attracted to this guy.
after 5 hours of enjoying each other's company, we headed back to my place and he gave me a kiss goodnight (take that, Jon)! it was a sweet, fun evening.
he ended up parking his car at my place and then coming up for a quick drink before heading out. as i swung open my front door to greet Dave, he was sitting on my stoop in rayban shades, a denim shirt, shorts and flip flops. somehow he can pull off the cool nerd look. we chatted and made fun of my book collection together (note to self: hide "the hookup handbook" the next time you have a dude over) and then head out to chinatown. we ended up going to a restaurant i had never tried before called yangtze. we shared the szechuan beef and curry noodles (yum!).
the conversation was good. somehow we got on the topic of dating, so we swapped some bad date stories. i don't know why, but i love hearing about horror date stories.. maybe it somehow makes me feel better about my own. i like that Dave is funny, but can be serious at times too.
once we had finished eating, our waiter immediately (almost as if on command) came over and gave us our bill (he paid). i told Dave that i wouldn't mind grabbing another drink somewhere, so we went for a nice long walk to the James St. pub patio. thankfully, the thunderstorm held off!
a lot can be said for body language. Dave pulled up a chair right beside me and was turned facing me the whole time. it was nice because i felt like i had his undivided attention, even though the patio was packed and loaded with TVs. i think i even felt our legs touch! ha. i am definitely attracted to this guy.
after 5 hours of enjoying each other's company, we headed back to my place and he gave me a kiss goodnight (take that, Jon)! it was a sweet, fun evening.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Dave
a few months ago, a close friend of mine went on a Tremblant snowboarding trip with some people and met Dave. she came back and told me how he's just my type - scruffy, sweet and funny, and that she'd need to hook us up. she befriended him on facebook, and after some creeping, i was pleasantly surprised. he's cute! minor detail: we weren't sure if he was single or not. i had heard through mutual friends that he was in a pretty serious relationship recently, but that they broke it off. finally, my friend sent him a message explaining that she had the perfect person to set him up with. he seemed interested (and confirmed he was single), so he asked if i would like to meet up for a drink.
we met up at a pub in the market on a rainy night. i got there first, and quite literally the only table left was one on a stage. i texted him to let him know where i was sitting and when he responded with "so does that mean you're going to give me a show?", i knew that the date was going to be fun and my nerves melted away. Dave is tall and cute with red hair and a killer smile. he's 29, lives in Kanata and owns his own business as an IT consultant. i guess he grew up in Kanata so all of his close friends still live out in the west end of the city. he did mention that he's thinking of moving downtown with a buddy of his sometime in the near future.
the conversation flowed very nicely. he's probably the easiest person in the world to talk to/get along with. we bonded over our love of Arrested Development/music/travel/cottages and the next minute, we were talking about prostitution in Ottawa (which is funny when you think about it). i decided to try something new: keep it to a 2 beer maximum. i want him to know that i don't need drinks to be funny or outgoing, but can just be myself. not to mention, nobody likes to go on a date with a sloptart. i paid for our drinks (huge mistake?) while he was in the washroom because our server wanted to settle up. he seemed surprised that i paid, but didn't exactly offer to contribute or suggest that he get it next time. he probably just felt awkward.
the lights were dimming and after 3 hours, we decided to head out. he offered to give me a ride home which i accepted for two reasons: 1- it meant i would get to spend more time with him (to be honest, i didn't really want the date to end) and 2- my mom told me that if a guy offers you a ride home, you take it because if you don't, you'll never get rides after that and it makes the guy feel good/responsible/gentlemanly. he drives a red VW beetle, which kind of caught me by surprise...explanation: he used to work for Nerds on Site and got a good deal on the car.
the awkward goodbye: the only downside to a drive home = less chance of a hug/kiss at the end of the night. i said that i had a good time and thanked him for the ride. because of the awkwardness, neither of us said that we should do it again sometime. UGH! i really wanted to say that. i've learned that if you're interested in a guy, it doesn't hurt to show it (stalking excluded), so i sent him a text message explaining that it was nice to meet him and asked him to let me know if he wanted to go out again sometime. if nothing else, i felt better to have expressed myself and show interest. he replied saying that he had fun too and thanked me for the drinks and said that he would get the bill next time. oooh a "next time" would be fun!
new strategy: i'm not going to overthink/overanalysize/overcraze this date. i thought it went well and got the impression that we both had a good time. my only hesitation is that i got the feeling that he's enjoying being single. in any case, we shall see. i need to remind myself to take things slowly when it comes to dating. i think i get really excited and then get too emotionally invested for my own good and wind up feeling disappointed/let down. i should enjoy being single too!
stay tuned.
we met up at a pub in the market on a rainy night. i got there first, and quite literally the only table left was one on a stage. i texted him to let him know where i was sitting and when he responded with "so does that mean you're going to give me a show?", i knew that the date was going to be fun and my nerves melted away. Dave is tall and cute with red hair and a killer smile. he's 29, lives in Kanata and owns his own business as an IT consultant. i guess he grew up in Kanata so all of his close friends still live out in the west end of the city. he did mention that he's thinking of moving downtown with a buddy of his sometime in the near future.
the conversation flowed very nicely. he's probably the easiest person in the world to talk to/get along with. we bonded over our love of Arrested Development/music/travel/cottages and the next minute, we were talking about prostitution in Ottawa (which is funny when you think about it). i decided to try something new: keep it to a 2 beer maximum. i want him to know that i don't need drinks to be funny or outgoing, but can just be myself. not to mention, nobody likes to go on a date with a sloptart. i paid for our drinks (huge mistake?) while he was in the washroom because our server wanted to settle up. he seemed surprised that i paid, but didn't exactly offer to contribute or suggest that he get it next time. he probably just felt awkward.
the lights were dimming and after 3 hours, we decided to head out. he offered to give me a ride home which i accepted for two reasons: 1- it meant i would get to spend more time with him (to be honest, i didn't really want the date to end) and 2- my mom told me that if a guy offers you a ride home, you take it because if you don't, you'll never get rides after that and it makes the guy feel good/responsible/gentlemanly. he drives a red VW beetle, which kind of caught me by surprise...explanation: he used to work for Nerds on Site and got a good deal on the car.
the awkward goodbye: the only downside to a drive home = less chance of a hug/kiss at the end of the night. i said that i had a good time and thanked him for the ride. because of the awkwardness, neither of us said that we should do it again sometime. UGH! i really wanted to say that. i've learned that if you're interested in a guy, it doesn't hurt to show it (stalking excluded), so i sent him a text message explaining that it was nice to meet him and asked him to let me know if he wanted to go out again sometime. if nothing else, i felt better to have expressed myself and show interest. he replied saying that he had fun too and thanked me for the drinks and said that he would get the bill next time. oooh a "next time" would be fun!
new strategy: i'm not going to overthink/overanalysize/overcraze this date. i thought it went well and got the impression that we both had a good time. my only hesitation is that i got the feeling that he's enjoying being single. in any case, we shall see. i need to remind myself to take things slowly when it comes to dating. i think i get really excited and then get too emotionally invested for my own good and wind up feeling disappointed/let down. i should enjoy being single too!
stay tuned.
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