Book Alert: Jennifer Johnson is Sick of Being Single

An excerpt: Nobody tells the truth. Everything means something else. I've learned what a few things really mean the hard way and I've started my own dating profile-to-English translation phrase-book.

HANDY AROUND THE HOUSE
- He will not call a plumber under any circumstance. Ever.

GOOD WITH MONEY
- He's a cheap bastard and will make you go Dutch. Forever.

FAMILY MAN
- He's married.

LOVES KIDS
- He has kids and no daycare provider.

MATURE MAN
- He's at least fifty, and looks at least sixty-five.

YOUNG AT HEART
- He's trolling for preteen.

CASUAL GUY
- He wears dirty sweatpants out to dinner.

METROSEXUAL
- He's hoping if he dates one more girl, he won't be gay. Doesn't matter. He's gay.

LOVES MOVIES
- Loves porn.

GOOD PERSONALITY
- He's fat.

GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR
- He's fat and desperate. Will laugh at anything you say.

OUTDOORSY
- He pees in the sink.

READY TO SETTLE DOWN
- He's just been dumped.

LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
- He gets drunk. A lot.

LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES
- He makes an ass of himself in public.

A GREAT DANCER
- He thinks he's a great dancer. He's not.

NOT OVERLY EMOTIONAL
- He's a sociopath.

SELDOM DATES
- Seldom gets second dates.

UNDERSTANDS WOMEN
- He's been married and divorced four times.