Andrew: the finale

So, I guess I do sort of have an update here. Exactly two weeks after we had gone out for dinner, Andrew called me. This was the day before I was moving so to be completely honest I screened his call. I have visual voicemail, so I saw that he left a message. Visual voicemail is basically a computer transcribing what a person said and sending that you to via text. This is a reproduction of what I got:

"How are you (?). Thank you for your lovely time you're (?) ... I'll (?) take the other night...in-your (?) company unfortunately I don't think we need to be...take (?)...I hope this doesn't mean we can't (?)...should (?) be friends in some capacity it's-been-replaced-and(?) meet you and talk to you and it's about (?) so."

I was all like "aww! that is really mature" and so was the friend I was with. I realized I should have been upfront about the fact that I wasn't feeling it, and made a mental note to return the call.

Five days later, I was finally settled into my new place and steeled by a glass of wine, I sat down and forced myself to call him. I got his voicemail, which I didn't mind. I just said I was returning his call and he could call me back if he wanted.

Then, like an idiot, I listened to what the voicemail actually said.

What it actually said was that he didn't think we were a romantic match, but that he hoped we could be friends. I was the one being let down!!

Let this be a lesson: visual voicemail is shady at best.

Andrew round 2

So, I went out with Andrew again tonight just in case. 

And...I just don't feel it. I want to feel it, but I don't. I don't feel compelled to know anything more about him, I don't find him interesting, and I don't feel any kind of vibe. I want to, but I don't.

So what do I do? How do I tell him? 

Andrew

So. I was really looking forward to this date because the guy was cute in his pic, was a bit older, and had impeccable grammar.

When I arrived at the pub, I thought it was the server approaching me, but no: it was him. There was something familiar about him. But I just put it off to his thick-rimmed glasses and plaid shirt (I live in hipster central). Also, he didn't look much like his picture at all.

We sat down and I hadn't even considered that he had just come from work (which I knew) and wouldn't have had a chance to eat. I always feel so weird being the only one eating, so I encouraged him to get something if he wanted. He declined, but ordered a double gin and tonic. I will just let that hang there while you reflect on it.

We had a good conversation, mostly about travel, but I wouldn't say I was totally feeling it. Then...it happened.

We started talking about our respective summers, and I mentioned I am moving soon. I specified which area I am moving to, and he mentioned someone by name who he knew that lived in that very area. The woman has an unusual name. It's her apartment I am moving into. WE HAVE BEEN TO THE SAME PARTIES. How Ottawa! Now I knew why he was familiar.

So, nearing the end of the evening, I really thought he had checked out mentally. However, he grabbed my hand as we walked out of the place and then asked if he could kiss me, I said yes, and then afterwards he said he'd had a really good time and started walking me towards a little alley. He tried to start up the kissing again and I said I was not really one to make out in alleys (a lie).

I suppose he is going to ask me out again? To be honest, I'd probably go. 

Samson

So I finally went out on another internet date tonight, this time from OKCupid. The guy seemed nice and interesting enough, and he was willing to come to my new neighbourhood which was a huge bonus. His texts were cute and just the right amount of flirty. He looked like his picture. He just didn't...have that vibe. I won't go into a litany of my issues, but these two things sum it up: one, he flips houses but doesn't know the word gentrification; and two, he said his parents are a lot older than his friends' parents, probably because they had him younger (think about it).

Toe time

Wow. I know I have not blogged for a while but here is one for you.

Tonight I was on OKCupid browsing around and replying to messages. An instant message window pops up and the guy messaging me is pretty cute! You know I am a beard aficionado, and though he was only 25...what's the harm. So we were chatting, and he asked "do you have any dealbreakers?" And I said people who chew with their mouths open.

It turns out he was talking about "personal" dealbreakers, by which he meant things about me that might be a dealbreaker for another person. I thought he was going to reveal that he had a prosthetic leg or was in a wheelchair or something. But instead he said "I find girls' feet really cute." I was like "oh, ok...yeah, that seems pretty normal?" And he got a little detailed, in that he likes to see the bottom of feet with the toes stretched out and the girl's smiling face. I was like, oh, ok, that seems pretty specific, but to each his own, right?

Then he started on "do you have Skype?" and I said yes, I did, but I would prefer to meet up for a coffee first. It turns out he was asking because he wanted to see my feet TONIGHT. RIGHT NOW. My first thought is not that this is really forward/intense, but that my Skype username is my full name. Haha. So I tell him that my hair isn't washed, but going for a coffee later sounded great. 

He tells me that he can't ask me out on a date before seeing my feet because he would be nervous the whole time thinking and wondering about them! 

So I tell him that I have to go and finish knitting a baby hat that I am working on, but he tells me that's cool, HE DOESN'T MIND IF I KNIT WHILE ON SKYPE.

So I said "ok, I will message you later" (what is wrong with me?) and shut that window down.

First night in San Francisco

Number of bars visited: 4
Number of those that were closed when we arrived but we talked our way in to drinking with the owner: 1
Number of random Danes that were with us at this point: 1
Number of guys I made out with: 2
Number of texts I sent asking about the prospect of brunch: 3
Number of non-committal texts I received in reply: 2
Number of friend requests, calls and texts received from the other guy: 3
Number of replies I sent: 1 (accepted friend request)
Length of time, in hours, my hangover lasted: 8

Some weirdness

I know...pretty much everything about online dating is weird. But this was weird enough to stand out.

I have been having more luck on OK Cupid than on other sites. The other day, an instant message pops up from someone just as I am logging off. He sends another message once I am offline...something really basic, like "I think you're REALLY cute." I check out his profile because why not, and he is wearing a fake moustache and wig combo thing. In both of his pictures. And yet I am intrigued by this? So I write back and say "your moustache is really shiny! You must use Pantene on that." And so we have a few little back and forths, but nothing else. So he sends me two of his email addresses last night. Both are firstname middle initial lastname, one at Hotmail and one at Gmail.

I talk to my friend T about this at lunch, and she agrees there's something weirdly intriguing. I even log in to my OK Cupid account and show her the pictures.

So I get home this evening and check my messages on the website. I notice that his picture is gone from the little icon beside his message from last night. Weird, I think. So I click and I get a "this user no longer exists" message. What?! So in the last six hours, he's deleted his account. Okay...

I email his Gmail account. It bounces back. I email his Hotmail. It too bounces back.

What kind of guy goes to the trouble of sending fake email addresses? Why not just drop off the face of the earth like a normal guy? It's something new, every day with this crap!

The latest

Beardy and I are big on Words With Friends.

Chad **updated

You guys ever have those nights where you plan to go to a movie but instead you go to the pub and have, like, 400 drinks instead? Yeah...that was me yesterday. The day after St. Patrick's Day. 

So we were at a pub downtown and there was a guy sitting at the bar by himself. And I felt strangely attracted to him? This was weird because (and I don't even know where to start) 1. he had those ear expander things, 2. he had a TON of tattoos, and 3. he had a giant beard. Like...not George Clooney, not even Brad Pitt. Think longer and more Jesusy. It was longer than that. Oh! And he was wearing a flat-brim baseball cap. Who am I these days?

So I "casually" started chatting with him when I ordered my beer. He looked cheerful about speaking to me. Later, when I came out of the bathroom, I flashed him a huge grin and walked into a table. Oops. 

Next time I ordered a beer, we started chatting more, and actually exchanged phone numbers. We exchanged a little smooch (I am nothing if not classy) and my friends and I left. My wise friend C said "I am letting this last exactly one night." I texted him some frankly weird texts on the train home, but I didn't hear back. 

I did, however, hear from him this morning? He wanted to add me on Facebook. His cover photo, of course, is a photo progression of his beard growing. Even more noteworthy than that: he's in a relationship. !!

*******************

I learned the following things on FB:

• His profile photo looks like "one of those courtroom drawings when cameras aren't allowed in" (credit to T)
• He is an artist, and is actually pretty good
• He's maybe an alcoholic? And has acknowledged this by making a mock "Intervention" episode about himself. He forwarded me the link this morning

A cancellation

So, I decided to cancel my Match account today. I have only been on for three months, but out of the probably (and literally) FIFTY emails I sent out, I heard back from two guys. TWO. What a waste of my money and time. I have friends who it really worked for, but clearly it was not for me. 

I kind of think that I might have better luck meeting guys in person for some reason. I have had tons of people look over my profile and help me rewrite it. I am seriously at a loss as to why I had such a crappy experience, but c'est la vie I guess. And if I am going to continue to have a crappy time online dating, I would rather do it on a site that is not charging me an arm and a leg for the privilege.

Time to change my pics?

"I looked at your pictures. You are so beautiful and sexy. Your tops are amazing. The second picture reveal what a beautiful boobs you have."

Same story...different shoe? Does that make sense?

I went for a nice coffee date this week at a really cute little place. Too bad it was with a super cute guy....who had a girlfriend. And we talked about work. I can't figure out which I should concentrate more on: getting a job, or getting a man. (I know that the right answer is a job!)

So here's a new one

Well, a new one for me, at least.

I have been trading emails with a guy named Matt on POF for a few weeks now. He has been sorta complaining that I take forever to get back to his emails, but that's because I usually go on POF once a week, while I watch the Bachelor. (Multitasking!) So he asked if we could become Facebook friends to, I guess, chat on there? I was not totally into that idea, because I don't want people to be able to google me and/or have access to my pictures. 

So next I suggested we text each other, which I also didn't love, but he said he has had "bad experiences" with texting. (I was so curious about that!)

He then sent me his Hotmail address, so logically, I emailed him. The email bounced back. Wtf? So I wrote back and asked if he had mistyped his email address. This is a cut and paste of his reply (asterisks added by me):

lol i gave you my facebook contact and its mattsp*****698@hotmail.com my mistake and i will admit it

"I will admit it?" Yikes.

So logically I added him to Facebook, and he immediately accepted. 

A different perspective

I know I do a lot of complaining about online dating on here, and it's rare to read someone saying anything positive. 

So, here is something positive! (Read to the end.) Thanks, J!  

Huh?

Another one for the "online dating is the WORST" file.

I emailed a guy on Match last week who seemed interesting...owned his own business in the trades, and lived in Pickering, where I also currently live. He replied right away and seemed interested in getting to know more about me, which I inferred from his statement "looking forward to getting to know more about you!" at the end of his email.

He explained to me that he was interested in politics and hoped to run one day. I explained that I used to live in Ottawa and worked on the Hill, and was therefore really interested to hear that. He asked me how I ended up going to Sarajevo. I explained that I took a sabbatical from work and travelled for five months this summer.

And I never heard from him again! 

I can see that he's read the email, and also that he's online right now (Match is good for stalkers). I get a lot of flack for being attracted to older guys, but older guys don't seem to be as put off by a woman who has had actual life experience. 

Anyways, I suppose he could still at some point write me back, but given that his emails normally arrived the day after I had written mine, I am not holding my breath.

I can't wait till my three months is up and I can get off of Match (end of March). It has been nothing but a waste of my time!

Demographics

One problem I have with online dating (one of the many problems, apparently) is that it is so superficial. I hate writing profiles. The main issue I have is that my hobbies sound so boring when I write them down. I only like quiet, girly things. Apparently, even Google knows this:

http://www.google.com/ads/preferences/?hl=en

Your categories

Below you can review a summary of the interests and inferred demographics that Google has associated with your cookie. You can remove or edit your categories at any time.

Beauty & Fitness

Food & Drink - Cooking & Recipes

Food & Drink - Cooking & Recipes - Baked Goods

Shopping

World Localities - North America - Canada - Ontario - Greater Toronto

Your demographics

We infer your age and gender based on the websites you've visited. You can remove or edit these at any time.

Age: 25-34

Gender: Female

Curtis

This story is not really exciting, but I will tell it anyways since I don't have a lot of material right now!

Last weekend, a few friends and I went out for a drink. We started at a wine bar and then tried to get into our favourite Friday night dancing spot. It was so full that even knowing the bouncer didn't help us get in! So we went a few doors down to a pub to get a drink before last call.

We sat at the bar, and started talking to the bartenders. One of them had long-ish hair and one of those hipster moustaches. He was wearing skinny jeans and a plaid shirt. To sum up, he was not my type. But there was something about him! Even other C mentioned that he totally seemed like someone I would click with. She kept trying to get me to talk to him, but I couldn't. When I actually care if a guy is interested, I can't speak. 

I officially fell in love, though, when he got the bouncer to remove this really annoying drunk guy who kept aggressively hitting on us. I was so impressed that he took it upon himself to solve our problem. (Rereading this, I am thinking my standards might be a bit too low?!) He also seemed kind of serious and low-key. But, to repeat...there was something about him!

I did try and talk to him, but nothing stuck. I didn't know what to do! The pub is right near other C's place so we could just repeatedly go back until he is forced to talk to me. But that seems like a bad plan. Please, give me tips on how to chat with strangers whose job it is to deal with random drunks all night!

Another coffee outing

Don't get excited...it was about a job. I am starting to realize that I really need to prioritize being employed.

p.s. Anyone curious about an update, I never heard back from last week's coffee outing!

The demon Facebook

The way I see it, the whole purpose of Facebook is to borderline stalk people. I don't feel too badly when I fall down a rabbit hole of looking at my cousin's friend's baby shower pictures. That's what privacy settings are for! She should have locked those down.

However...when I found myself saying "I can't believe that asshole is in Mozambique" (re: UKBF), I realized Facebook is really ignoring a huge market. I don't want to defriend him. (Again.) Going into detail on my defriending policies and issues require a whole other post. And I don't want to block him from my newsfeed. That just means extra work, because I'd have to manually check his profile.

What Facebook should do is let you have a list of people whose profile you can only check a certain number of times a month...say, 5. Don't you think that's an amazing idea?!

Will

So, as I alluded to earlier, I finally went on a date with a guy I met on Match. Will is 31, separated (no kids), and works in his family's business. He had been sending me those kinda weird emails, and I thought he was going to come up with a reason to cancel, but he sent me an email earlier today to reiterate where and when we had planned to meet--- a coffee shop at a bookstore. 

I got there super early so I wouldn't be sweaty. As as result, I got to browse through a lot of cool art books and magazines (super hot George Clooney pics in this month's W btw). He was a little late, but as soon as he came in I saw him. He hadn't seen me, so he texted me to find me, but I knew that he knew it was me as soon as he saw me. 

Anyways, I immediately gave him a huge smile and told him it was great to finally meet him. My five months of meeting strangers and previous three years of holding a very public job really has prepared me well for....well, meeting more strangers. I tried to put all the weirdness out of my mind and just focus on things going well.

He paid for my coffee and we sat down. We had lots to talk about and the conversation went pretty well. I finished my coffee around the time there was a lag in conversation, so I asked if he had finished his coffee too. He said he had, and kept on talking. We probably chatted for another half hour. Eventually there was another lull and he pointed out that he was getting hungry and he probably should let his dog out. I wasn't sure if he was hinting that we should go get something to eat together? I erred on the side of caution and said I had to meet a friend (which was semi-true).

We were walking opposite ways when we left, and I didn't know what to say, so I said "well, be in touch!" and he said "I definitely will" and then went in for a hug. He looked super happy and sincere when he said it, so we'll see....but he did also tell me a number of times that he rarely goes out with the same woman twice. I would go out with him again if he asked, but I probably wouldn't pursue it.

Dying

...of laughter. You have to see this for yourself.

http://moreinlovethanyou.tumblr.com/

Reader-requested update

I was asked last night to post the following:

One of the proposed reasons why the Santa didn't get back to me is that he might have stolen other C's credit card. My opinion is that she lost the card somewhere else, but she is convinced. I say what guy steals your credit card and goes to Jugo Juice and then spends $300 at Shoppers? She says yeah, but if he did, then it totally makes sense that he didn't reply to your email.

Pre-date WTF

I didn't want to hype this up in advance, but I am FINALLY going to be going on a Match date next week. Except I wake up this morning to an email from the guy which I will paraphrase:

"I have been on a ton of coffee dates, and I seem to be stuck in a cycle. I rarely go out with a woman twice, not because there's anything wrong with them, but because I am usually in touch with a few women at a time. I always have my eye on the next one. I am not sure whether the solution is to meet a lot of people, in the hopes of meeting someone really special, or to only be in touch with one woman at a time so I can focus. What do you think?"

UM....SERIOUSLY? So, my first "date" is with a guy who doesn't even bother to get to know anyone unless they meet some mysterious requirements on which he doesn't even elaborate? FML.

A lesson? Maybe?

It was the headline that drew me to this link: How to Get A Man's Telephone Number. I love reading the Hairpin, and their advice is usually relevant and useful. However, this just cracked me up. It would totally happen to me. In fact, I am going to assume the same about every guy who never called me back.

Lack of updates

As the titles indicates...I've got nothing. I have a serious love/hate relationship with online dating. I've been communicating pretty consistently with one guy, but we have yet to meet in person (long, legitimate sounding story). What really annoys me is the fact that I get in touch with TONS of guys. And yet...I hear nothing back. The only guy who I has even seemed slightly appealing and has been in touch is the one I am communicating with.

So what am I doing wrong? My profile doesn't have any spelling errors. I don't look fat in my profile pictures. I send short messages that actively address what the guys talk about in their profiles.

Anyways, I am just feeling kind of down about it lately. Maybe you have some tips for me?

An expert opinion

Me: Oh my god, this guy is in a cowboy hat.
T: He looks like he'd be good in bed.
Me: Two of his four pictures are the same! The only difference is one is in sepia and one is in black and white!
T: Just email him.
Me: Oh my god. He's a limo driver. And he's writing memoirs of a limo driver!
T: He's definitely a criminal. Never mind.

The art of conversation

So, I like to think I am pretty good at writing emails and making conversation face-to-face. I guess, though, I wasn't prepared for the kinds of emails I would get when I joined POF? They seem to fall into three categories:

1. Emails in which the subject line and the content are both "Hi." Or emails that are clearly cut-and-pasted and sent to anyone and everyone. Does this technique ever work?

2. The perverts. One that made other C crack up last night when I recounted it to her had the subject line "Nice" and the body "tits." I also got a cut-and-paste from a guy with the username "CougHunter84" (obviously I clicked on this right away) that was a detailed description of what he wanted to do to me. For real? They have a whole section for people who want emails like that.

3. The actually sincere, which is rare, but always a pleasant surprise! However, one of the latest asked me why I was on the site. So, even though it's obvious what the real reason is, I said because I find it hard to meet new people. He replied "I find it easy to meet new people." Good for you, dude.

"One Fish in the Sea"

Here's an intellectual break for you. While perusing the Ottawa Citizen, I came across this article about a woman who was scammed by a man she met on Plenty of Fish. I was obviously intrigued because I just joined POF to expand my dating options. But reading on, I found myself asking what this has to do with internet dating at all. Couldn't this happen if you met a guy in a bar, or at Starbucks, or at the grocery store? What do you think? Is there something inherently risky about online dating?

A little tip

When your ill-advised far away British love tormentor says he will definitely Skype you when he gets home from work, and p.s., xx, and then you never hear from him again, not even to say "sorry! I had to work late" -- that's a dealbreaker, ladies!

The possible Turk

A few of us went out to the Drake for New Year's Eve. I had never been before and had no idea what to expect, but I really wanted to check out the venue as I'd heard so much about it. The crowd was a little younger but we had a ton of fun regardless.

Nearing the end of the night, we somehow added a hanger-on to our group. He was a youngish guy named Daniel, who was just absolutely so drunk and in love with all of us (love might be the wrong word). Why we humoured him I will never know, but maybe it was fate? Because suddenly his two friends appeared -- friends we had never heard about until that minute -- I fell absolutely head over heels in love/lust with one of them. He wasn't the typical kind of guy I go for. He was sort of muscly and didn't have much hair but he had the most gorgeous blue eyes. I saw his pupils turn into metaphorical hearts at the same time mine did. We were glued together for the rest of the night, which was not long.

He kept asking me to go over to his place, but I declined, over and over. We did sort of make out on the streetcar (OK, not sort of: totally). The little information I gleaned from him was that he had lived in New York City for five and a half years. However, I did manage to improve on one score: I actually got his name and phone number. I texted him later that night and he texted me back right away.

Of course I googled him in the morning, and I thought he would be easier to find because of his unusual first name. I didn't find out anything more about him other than that his name is Turkish, which made everything make sense. So many Turkish guys have the most amazing blue eyes, and they have a weird affinity for me (I spent a month in Turkey as part of my trip).

So, now we come to the sad part of my story. I honestly expected him to get in touch with me at some point on New Year's Day, but I wasn't sweating it too much. I am, however, impatient so I texted him in the evening saying hope he had a good first day of the year, and he should give me a shout if he wanted to get together this week. He texted back early this morning saying he had spent the day relaxing, and that he hoped I'd had a good day, too. That's it. Hmm. Probably won't be hearing from him again.